Sexual frustration - husband says I'm always in pain

This is very personal for me to open up about. I have talked to him until I am blue in the face. We had a decent to very good love life before we got married, even after we were married. My daughter was 7 when we met and we have been unable to have kids. He had a total hip replacement 3 years ago so I was very sensitive and understanding to his needs and our lack of intimacy in the bedroom both before the surgery and after. When we tried there was issues. He’s gone to doctors and even a specialist clinic and weve tried a few times since with one time actually being successful after I had a complete and total break down about not making love. We set a schedule of once on the weekend and a possible wednessday. That was over 2 months ago and has never happened. I don’t know what to do. We hold hands, tell each other we love you, and kiss, but they are pecks, not passionate because he is worried it will lead to more. A fiend thinks he might be A sexual. I don’t know what to think, but neither of us is having sex and I am so frustrated. We live together and work together, we do everything together, so there isn’t room for an affair to even be a thought in anyones mind. Help, I don’t know what else to do. Sexy lingerie just makes hime feel pressured to perform.
-Frustrated Foxy Cita

Hi foxycity, I can relate to much of what you are posting, you definitely are not alone. As we get older, it seems like there are a million things conspiring to make our love lives much more complicated and difficult. I think males often have much more problems with performance, and this builds up to the point that they will take any excuse to not have to perform (correct me if I’m wrong, guys!). I also think it makes it much harder for them when we are experiencing pain rather than just pleasure, and this makes it frustrating for both.

Have you had a heart to heart conversation when you are not feeling frustrated? Really talk about what your needs are–do you need to feel loved? sexually desired? sexual release? and think about creative ways that both of you can get your needs met. The way you used to have sex and express intimacy may not work for both of you anymore, you need to think out of the box. (sorry bad pun).

I would highly recommend counseling for both of you if he is open to it, or just you if he isn’t. It sounds like your marriage is good and I’m sure you can work through this!

Obviously I’m just responding to what was posted… but by saying your pain makes it impossible for him to perform (am I getting that right?) it sounds like there’s projection going on, his problem is being put onto you.

It’s a well documented fact that sex releases hormones and endorphins that help pain. Basically once you’re able to “get going” the sex should make both of you feel better in terms of pain.

I’m with ziggy – sounds like counseling and a few heart-to-heart conversations are needed.

Let me start by saying that counseling seems like a wonderful idea.

If I’m reading your post correctly your husband isn’t interested in having sex due to pain from a previous hip surgery.

Have you looked into a follow-up for your husband recently. Is there maybe some physical therapy that could help him. Did something heal wrong? In other words why is he still in pain and is that normal? Focus on dealing with his pain so he feels better, not so he can have sex.

Speaking from personal experience even when I think I’m managing my pain well it totally zaps any sexual desire. However there are other important ways to be intimate that don’t involve sex and we try to focus on those.

Strangely spending a lot of time together isn’t always the solution. I see that you live and work with your spouse and have a child. How often do you get to spend quiet time together, cuddle (with no expectation of it leading to more), or discuss what you’re both passionate about? How often do you each get to spend time alone on you as an individual? This can be just chilling alone, playing sports, or getting together with friends.

I do recommend still going to a counselor even if he won’t go. Some men would rather have their teeth pulled without anesthesia than go to a counselor. Mine is certainly in that category.

Foxy you’ve been on my mind. My husband had both knees replaced in his 40s, within about a year of our marriage. I get it. We discovered that position had become critical to both performance and enjoyment. Maybe a copy of Kuma Sutra needs to find its way to the bedroom. And dare I mention that fabulous array of adult toys available?

Between his knees and my migraines we did a bunch of “fake it til you make it.” Often times it helped to focus on the other person to the exclusion of all else. Remember there are all kinds of ways to have sexual energy.

And maybe you need to carve out some better personal time? I would have cheerfully killed my husband if I had had to live work and play with him every day.

Just a few thoughts…

We have had the heart to heart, more than one occasion. It’s more about the itmacy and feeling loved than the sex. I’ve told him that. I’ve put it in terms like kiss me like we are in high school and your mom is about to walk in, but he feels like that is going to lead to sex despite the fact I tell him it doesn’t have to. His hip is healed, we are 2 years post surgery this November. I say we because I feel like we both went through the experience together. I was at every PT appointment, helped him shower afterwards, all the dr appointments, and got to bring him home on my birthday/Thanksgiving - yes the best present ever.

It seems to be more a performance issue than anything. I’ve suggested toys and other methods but he just shrugs them off. His grandparents were penecostal so his mom was pretty stern as well. Although he is not religious by any means, he is very shy and quiet, total opposite of me lol.

We tried counseling one time for relationship issues before the marriage when he was struggling with his past relationships. He went but was not a fan. He has difficulty going to the dr and specialists with this issue, there is no way he would go to counseling about it.

We actually do work great together. We never argue or fight, this is our only “issue” in our marriage. He has a man cave and I have a scrapbook room and our now 19 year old daughter (my previous relationship/sperm donor hit and run situation) has her own sewing/craft room. Plus I have the hot tub room he had built for me to help with the GPN so we can all escape if need be. Not usually needed but if we stay home on the weekends we do spend time apart and Layla and I usually go painting sometimes. My husband, his mom and I will go to the casino and sometimes his mom and I will go get our nails done. I do enjoy working with him but if I ever want to stay home I do, it all works out.

The book is a good idea, maybe he would be more open to that?

No, he has said his pain makes it impossible for him to perform. Then he says he doesn’t want to do something because I am in pain all the time. Or he is stressed at work or it’s that time of the month for me. Just always seems to be some kind of excuse.