you are not mental, its not all in your head...these are questions i ask myself daily when the pain is bad or im exhausted and get no rest. I think its the bodies way of being in denial because accepting the reality is accepting the horror show of how much shit you have had to go through . Every day you just 'hang on in there' and its exhausting in every way possible. Most people feel a strain on everything like relationships and everyday stresses because it is so hard just to put a mask on and act fine when you living with this horrible illness, some days you just dont have the energy to 'play fine'.
As for your reaction to a scan you have seen, i understand that feeling...sheer disbelief. When i was shown a scan that showed i had bone missing in my face due to an infection that made me feel my face was dying since i was a teen, i just couldnt believe it, i had decided i was nuts.
Even when i was told i needed a surgery i kept thinking 'maybe its not that bad..surgery seems extreme, maybe i exaggerate..maybe im ok..they can misread scans' Because that is how many years i have had to tell myself ' your ok mel, you will get better soon, maybe your pain tolerance is low or something'. Having people ask all the time, 'oh hows your face thing? does it still hurt?..oh dont worry love you'll feel better soon, i promise :)'
Those comments made me both irritated with people and myself..were they right? Was my illness gonna blow over with no diagnosis or was i right..was something verry verry wrong...no, that couldnt be, thats too extreme sounding, i must be mental thats what it is!!
Basically albee all my rambling is to say, you are not alone in this feeling and im sure alot of people on this site share that exhausting frustration as they try there best to cope on a daily basis with what is happening to them.
I'm sorry it has reached that stage for you now but as you have pictorial evidence that something is wrong..something is wrong, it will sink in at some point and you will not doubt yourself, for a a while at least and we are all here to support and listen to your frustrations so dont be hard on yourself ok?
best wishes mel x
P.s i think what i wrote might be confusing..that would be the tegretol, apologies.
Oh and FYI..i couldnt take it anymore either, i have my first appointment to see a psychiatrist for the same feeling your are describing this month because i can only compare the mental torture with the grieaving process when someone dies and i feel ever so alienated, though people may think mental help is extreme, just remebr your mind affects how you tolerate pain, tired mind, everything feels more painful..thats my opinion anyhow!