I am feeling pain and depression tonight. After a weeks remission, my attacks started with frequent and savage repetition 4 nights ago. It wasn’t depressing me so much till last night. Even with attacks through yesterday and last night, I had a mostly good night as my Mum, two sisters and I went to the city to watch the final performance of French & Saunders here in Australia. I’d also gotten tickets for my best friend and her husband - though by the time she’d agreed to go too, I couldn’t get her seats with the rest of us.
Anyways, it was great till we got back to where my sister Leanne and I had left our cars to meet up with our other sister who was driving us all up (except my friend and her husband who drove their own car). When we were parting, I gave my eldest sister Robyn a hug then went to hug my other sis - Leanne. As I approached her, her face fell and she said in a low voice - NO! She’s never been much of a hugger, though I am - she then said that my approaching her with my arms out for a hug frightened her and that I shouldn’t do it like that… I can’t remember the other stuff she said.
I was very hurt and walked away saying that I’ll never try to hug her again then. My eldest sister, Robyn - her face showed her shock & surprise at Leanne’s reaction to me and she tried to make light of it and calm the incident down, didn’t help me any. Leanne and Robyn are very close with each other, more than they are to my brother and I, they’re actually half-sisters to me as they’re the children of my father’s first wife who’d died of Cancer when they were just toddlers. But to me, they were like full sisters and that is how I have always loved them - they are simply my sisters to me and I love them immensely. Well, my bond with Leanne is being tested right now.
I drove my Mom home as her car was at the mechanics with Mum telling me not to worry about what Leanne had said, that she’s never been much of a hugger and had some problems etc… And then drove myself home. It was midnight when I got Mom home and would take me at best, another 30 minutes to get myself home, I was tired, medicated and rather sleepy plus still very hurt from my own sisters reaction to getting hugged by me. Like I was contagious.
Anyway, I was almost halfway home (I live in a rural town - Mum lives in suburbia in a growing region that’s virtually a city in itself. But as I drove around a dark and dangerous corner on the road home - I approached a street light lit area and there on the road in front of me is a small horse / large pony, just wandering up the street.
So, being the animal lover I am, I pull over to catch the horse. He must’ve been getting old, as he had a beautiful silver mane, though was white all over in his body’s coat. Still, he was wearing a halter for a full size horse, which he was not but he still wasn’t too pleased about being caught. It took me about 15 minutes to catch him, then lead him back to my car - where I’d illegally parked with my hazard lights flashing on this dangerous road.
It’s dangerous there because hooligans speed along there like they’re on fast and furious (the movie). My mobile phone was in my car and I had to try and think, on pain medication who do I phone in the middle of the night to help? Then I remembered, for wandering stock - phone the police. So, I called them and the lady who took my call praised me for rescuing the Horse and said she’d organised a marked police car to come & assist and organise the Animal control team to send a man out also. He was 45 minutes drive away.
I found a Dog lead in my Car and clipped this to the Horses halter and waited, while my new friend, grazed on the grass by the edge of the road near my car. I had a cigarette and after another 15 minutes, the police car arrived. With two of the cutest policemen I’ve ever seen!! They thanked me also for my help, notated my details in their little notepads and offered to take over. I said to them, if I leave now - how will I get my Dogs lead back? They thought this over and were going to offer to drop it back in to me however I lived too far out of town for that to be viable. So I said, I’ll stay and wait for the council man (animal control) to arrive - that I was happy to wait, just hold the horse while I get my car off the road.
I chatted with the policemen for around an hour while we waited, now it’s after 1 am and the horse started dozing as the taller policeman held the lead. I was enjoying myself and able to forget about the “hug” incident with my sister Leanne for a while. Around 1:30 am the Animal control van arrived - and I was shocked he had no float. Turns out, they keep a stock list which is a voluntary list that horse owners contribute details of their Horses in case one of them escapes somehow. The AC man said he wasn’t able to check this list as he had not gotten an accurate description of the Horse till he could see it. Anyways, he had with him a better fitting halter for the horse and a good long lead - but I had to laugh when he approached my new equine friend - the horse snorted, put his ears back and reversed away from him! I suggested that this Horse recognised Animal control and this may not have been his first escape!! The policemen, both thought that was hilarious! Steve, the taller policeman when he took the lead for the Horse when I had to move my car - the Horse was that comfortable with him, he went to sleep right there and then - the animal control guy goes to take his lead and it looked very much like hatred on the Horses face!! Very funny Horse this one!!
Ok, so now I have to leave, I have my lead back and I could tell that Animal control guy wanted me to go before he’d talk with the policemen. So, in the end I was driving home now after an hour and half long diversion in my evening that I felt good about because I had possibly saved that Horses life!! Tomorrow I’ll phone the Police station and request an update on whether they’ve found the Horses owner!
I meant to phone today, but I was distracted. My 6 month old LCD TV had broken down last week, and today 2 men came to pick it up for repairs, glad I did not have to drive it in myself! Then more pain in my face after they left. This morning too, I get an SMS text message on my mobile phone from my sister Leanne. Couldn’t even bother to phone me, sends a text message instead…
It says: “Morning just wanted to apologise if I hurt your feelings certainly not my intention, I get a little intimidated. See you later.” End of message.
I did not reply, and will not… My own sister says she is intimidated by me?? She is frightened of me?? This is why I cannot give her a goodbye hug?? This hurt me more than the night before had…
So now, even with the knowledge of the good deed I did saving that Horses life. My own life is in tatters. I am in pain in so many ways, the neuralgia has been bad these past 4 days. I used to have 5 out of 6 possible branches affected (being bilaterally affected), now it is a full set - all 6. Plus it’s in my ears as well. I also believe I have also got Occipital Neuralgia because of the pain that comes and goes in my neck and around the back of my skull in a tight band, that one also ends in my ear - so when I have both TN & ON at once, and they’re both attacking my ear… I’ve had enough of this.
Tonight the pain is in my upper and lower jaw, my neck, deep in my ear, a spot behind my ear that feels like bone but hurts like ****, also on my temple, the flesh of the cheek and the list goes on… I’m tired… I want this pain gone… I not long ago took 10mg of Oxycodone, and 4 hours ago had taken 5 mg of Oxycodone + a 10mg Oxycontin (slow release). I’ve taken all my anti-seizure meds and the pain stayed. I also added a Baclofen about an hour ago to with the last Oxycodone pills I took. I can’t sleep for the pain in my head, I can’t lie down because it triggers more pain. I drank some warmed up milk, it doesn’t do anything, but I don’t want to drink any stimulants like coffee, my preferred drink of choice. It’s 1:30 am again now. I’m alone and lonely, tired and in agony all over my head and face. The pain now is worst in my temple and ear and it will not stop :’(
This post is long enough for anyone, but getting to be a trademark for me. I am so Sorry to all of you. We’re all in this same boat (maybe Ark) and you are all such sources of strength and support - and that support you all provide is priceless! I feel that I’ve become weak right now and I have disappointed myself as well as others. I just feel right now that I have reached my peak with the pain. Just when I believe that I know it cannot get worse, it does. Add hurtful “hug” incident (emotional pain) to existing physical pain such as we get, and I have severely right now - neither pain will go away. Tonights TN etc attacks have been at me now for 9 hours, with no more than maybe 1 minute breaks between them, the attacks themselves repeating in durations as long as an hour.
I hope I feel better by morning. It’s now approaching 2 am. In just over 12 hours I have a pre-booked ticket to see Harry Potter and the Half blood Prince. I am going alone, as usual ~ none of my friends share my love of Fantasy or Sci-Fi, anything other than these genre’s then I would invite friends / family to go with me. I am supposed to have a Dentists appointment today, a few hours before the movie start time - but with this pain I will have to postpone that too.
Ok, I have to stop writing and staring at my computer screen. The pain in my temple combined with a sedating effect from those pills is making the screen blurry. Thanks for reading. Bye for now.